What not to say: Relatively lighthearted (yet snarky) thoughts from my pregnancy soapbox

I feel like my whole life I’ve been told “Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Never tell her she looks pregnant.” And I took it as a given. That is just what one does. It is polite to not bring attention to a woman’s body as a tiny human is growing inside her swelling abdomen. You just don’t say anything about her ever-increasing size. Because that would be rude. Obviously.

But as my friends started having babies, and especially as I have experienced my own pregnancies, I’ve increasingly realized why the advice “Don’t tell a woman she looks pregnant” is so ubiquitous and oft-repeated. It’s for the same reason we are constantly told to eat our veggies and exercise regularly: Because people don’t listen. They just don’t. Now some people do. I know plenty of people who go to the gym and eat all the leafy greens they can find. And I know people who have graciously abstained from making a single comment about the size of my stomach. But there are still enough people that walk past the zucchini in favor of chocolate, or who like to keep a pregnant woman updated on her girth that the advice bears repeating.

I’m generally a pretty laid-back person, more inclined to laugh than to get upset. And a lot of things people say about my pregnant body don’t bother me. As a general rule, I’m not offended when someone points out to me that I’m pregnant. I mean, I already know and was in no danger of forgetting that there is a squirming human living inside me. But if the emphasis is on the baby or family, I find that I’m not bothered when strangers let me know that I’m pregnant. There are sweet ways that people acknowledge a pregnancy without actually focusing on weight gain.

·        Like all the kids at the summer camp that I volunteered at before Joseph was born. They were constantly asking “Are you having a baby?” For them, it was about a tiny human growing and my journey to motherhood. They were excited by the prospect of a baby.

·        Or the random men at the store who smile at me and say “Congratulations!” That’s kind of sweet, if also slightly embarrassing. (And I’m assuming that they’re talking about my pregnancy and not the fact that I now have 120 pages of my dissertation written. Because being pregnant is the only congratulation-worthy thing visible to the general public.)

·        Or when neighbors and strangers ask if my son is getting a baby brother or sister. It’s about the family. It takes the fact that I have a large growth in my belly for granted and focuses instead on my son and what his future is going to look like. It’s about celebrating the baby, not commenting on my weight gain.

·        Or the little three-year-old who put his hand on my stomach and asked, “What’s that?” Or the seven-year-old who informed me “You look pregnant!” Because sometimes kids say cute things, and they can definitely get away with more than adults can.

·        Or the random lady in the hall at the library who smiled excited and said, “You have a baby!”

·        Or the five-year-old at church who adores me solely because he loves to give hugs to pregnant women.

·        And even the security guard at the symphony who quipped, “You’ve definitely got a weapon in there,” before asking me about how I was feeling and if we have other kids. Somehow the kick I got out of that joke outweighed any potential for offense.

Those are all fine with me. Sometimes a comment about the baby I’m expecting can lead to a good conversation about children and family, and it can build bridges instead of alienating or bothering me. [At least it can now that I’m at the point where I am obviously pregnant. There are always those awkward few weeks when not everybody can tell you are pregnant, so when people take it for granted then, it can be somewhat uncomfortable. Then you sometimes get the highly awkward and relatively inappropriate, “I don’t like to ask this, but are you pregnant?” Because then what do you do? You obviously have to tell the truth, even if most of your friends and family don’t know yet. And then you just feel self-conscious, thinking, “Oh man, everybody can tell already.” Yeah. Nobody wants that. (Especially if you aren’t actually pregnant, but you wish you were—yeah, super awkward for everybody. Not only are you then reminded of your lack of children, but also just got called pudgy. So it’s probably best to avoid that question until the pregnancy is actually common knowledge.) But after a certain point, when the announcement has been made, and my stomach is clearly growing from a baby, not a pizza, I personally don’t mind when people get excited about my pregnancy. As long as they’re not focusing on my size.]

But sometimes, I feel like people cross the line a little bit and say things that are not entirely appropriate to say to anyone, let alone an incredibly hormonal and uncomfortable woman who is constantly one impolite comment away from an emotional breakdown. And for me, most of the time I’m not actually hurt or offended by these comments. Mostly I think they’re funny and a manifestation of some of the improprieties that our society frequently indulges in. So I laugh about them, tell my husband, and maybe jot them down so I can write about them in a snarky blog post someday. But while I am not personally offended by them, they do get old. I mean, who constantly wants to be reminded of something about themselves? I think even if people told me every day, every time I appeared in public, “You have curly hair,” I would become bothered by the constant attention to one aspect of me and wonder why people don’t have anything else to talk about with me. So it is with those constant reminders from friends and strangers that the only noteworthy aspect of my appearance—or my entire self—is my protruding stomach. Sometime I inwardly groan when I head outside, wondering where the next barrage of comments about my increasing size will come from. Because even for laid-back people, pregnancy size comments get really old. Fast.

But I also recognize that there are many pregnant women that can be legitimately offended by these comments about weight gain. Particularly those with histories of eating disorders, or who are insecure in their body type. Because, let’s be real—watching the constant increase of the scale during pregnancy is hard enough, even when you know that it’s because of a little human inside of you. And I can only imagine how that difficulty of watching the pounds pile on would be intensified for those who struggle with body image. No woman—pregnant or not—needs any more attention brought to her weight (and especially gain thereof) than she is already investing in it. Society already puts enough pressure on women—pregnant and not—to have the perfect body. Nobody needs it constantly discussed.

So, in light of all that, please enjoy at some of my top-rated “PLEASE-never-say-to-a-pregnant-women” comments I’ve received from (likely?) kind and well-intentioned humans.

·        “Are you gaining weight?”

o   Ha. Ha.

·        “These [bathroom] stalls are so small. I don’t know how you…You’ve got extra….”

o   Now perhaps this was meant as a compliment of some sort or an effort to commiserate, but I think it could have gone without saying.

·        “I don’t want to be rude, but are you pregnant or just…..?”

o   I don’t know what the other option was, but I wish I would’ve left more time between her trailing off and me saying I was pregnant so I could have known what else she thought my localized weight-gain was.

·        “You are getting more and more visibly pregnant. When do we need to start worrying about a replacement (for your church responsibilities)?”

o   Now I’m sure (or I hope?) my ecclesiastical leader was trying to look out for me, but…yeah. Whoops.

·        And the great reported conversation: “Someone, I forget who, was asking when you were due. I told them April and they said ‘Oh good, because she’s getting bigger.’”

o   Ummm. Thanks. Glad you think my due date matches my size….?

·        “Why are you fat?” –three-year-old.

o   Obviously I know that you can’t be too hard on a three-year-old. They don’t really understand pregnancy yet, not decorum. But sometimes the comments from the kids can be the most disconcerting, because they are not afraid to say what other people are. (Although, given the list of comments here, you’d think people weren’t afraid of saying anything.)

·        And the people who when you announce you’re pregnant say, “I was kind of thinking you were. I was wondering. I was expecting that. Yes, we were just talking about you and wondering if you were!”

o   Glad I’m already showing….Even if they haven’t seen you in person recently. I mean, don’t take all the excitement out of my announcement.

·        “When I was pregnant, I carried the same way you do. I looked like I had two basketballs in my shirt. Some people, you just can’t tell they’re pregnant. Not me.”

o   I think this was likely an effort to extend sympathy/understanding/whatever. But what I heard was this grandma at the park say I look like I have two basketballs in my shirt and am very obviously pregnant. Thanks.

·        “You’re getting bigger every week I see you!”

o   Well, yes. One centimeter of fundal height every week. Science. But I don’t need to be told that.  

·        “You brought your own basketball.”

o   It was possibly more relevant coming from the man at the basketball tournament, but still not funny.

·        “You look like you’re about to pop! When are you due?”

o   Sorry to concern you that I’m going to have a baby any minute now……? My doctor thinks I’m doing fine, and I don’t need your evaluation of when you think the baby will appear.

·        “You’re nothing but belly!”

o   Given all the comments friends and strangers make to me, you would think that comment is literally true—there’s apparently nothing else to talk to me about.

·        And, of course, the classic, “You look like you’re having twins! Is it twins?”

o   Nope. Thank you.

So, based on my own research, I think it’s a good thing our society keeps trying to tell people not to focus on pregnant women’s physical appearance. Because clearly we have a long way to go. Naturally every woman have a different opinion on what comments she is comfortable with from friends and strangers. But I would say the best rule of thumb is to make no physical comments, and focus instead on the baby and how the woman is feeling. Because pregnancy is hard enough without having to be constantly reminded that you are rapidly gaining weight. Leave that to our scales and healthcare providers to tell us. Believe me, we are quite aware of the fact that we’re getting bigger. And now—carefully, without tripping due to the strange new location of my center of gravity—I will descend from my pregnancy soapbox.

Now let’s all go eat some veggies.