Amae and our need to be loved

This week for one of my classes, we spent some time in a book called The Belonging Heart by Marie and Bruce Hafen. And an idea from it struck me deeply. In the Japanese language there is a concept designated “amae.” There is no direct translation for this concept into English, but we can approximate it with the “longing to belong” or “desire to receive love.” And, even though we all understand our need for love, our Western society doesn't really talk about it a lot. We strongly disdain traits such as “neediness” and we look down on those who are “dependent” upon others. We praise children who don't cry when they have to leave mom and go to school for the first time. We consider "well-adjusted" those college students and missionaries and service men and women who don't get homesick, who are "independent" enough to not be hampered by longing for home. We're inundated with the feminist rhetoric encouraging women to not base their self-worth on being loved by a man—that women are good enough on their own to not need such a crutch as a partner. We encourage children from the time they are young to be self-sufficient and not dependent upon other people. And I’m a proponent of a certain degree of self-sufficiency. But I am also in favor of being true to our innate nature of amae—true to our nature of needing to love.

I remember when I was young being somewhat perplexed by a line in a hymn which reads, “I am a child of God, and so my needs are great.” Strongly saturated in Western culture, I thought that this statement painted children of God in great weakness—that somehow something was wrong and we turned out needy. And I wondered why we would be lauding our neediness. But in the light of amae, this makes perfect sense. Each of us was born with an innate need to be loved—we crave the security and comfort of our mothers’ arms. We desire the warmth and support of family. As we grow older, we seek validation and companionship from friends. And we eventually seek the security of a romantic relationship—to mean everything to someone and to have that someone mean everything to us. That is part of our divine heritage as children of God—he is a Being of love, and thus we all have not only the capacity and need to give love, but essential desire to receive love. It is not a weakness to need this love, but in fact a gift and greatly empowering. Because we are children of God, we were not meant to be alone. We were meant to love and be loved. 

But isn't this still a weakness, this dependence upon love? I would argue that our need to receive love is just as important as our ability and obligation to give love. Because what fun is it to love someone if that person is indifferent to that love? Even more, though, than gratification, why would we even need to extend love to a creature who has no understanding or appreciation or need thereof? If we had no amae, we would be akin unto a kitchen table—having no need for or comprehension of love. But we do have this longing and need for love! And because we all share this need, we all have the ability to fulfill that need in others by extending our own love. How fulfilling it is to hug someone who is in need. To extend a hand of friendship to someone who is lonely. To truly lift up the hands that hang down—to fulfill one of the deepest needs we have as humans. In short, we need other people to be needy so that we can love. And thus neediness is not a weakness but rather one of the greatest gifts we can share with others.

The Hafens offer another insight into the meaning of the word amae: the German translation is equated with: “Freiheit in Geborgenheit,” or “freedom in (emotional) security.” Yet, our Western culture often encourages us to not tie ourselves down to relationships—to be free and independent and find our own self-worth and not depend on other people for our happiness. We are told to find our freedom from relationships, not in relationships. And how contrary that is to our nature! We need this human love. And only therein can we find security.  How much easier is it to face the challenges of life if we know that when we go home at the end of the day, there is a person there who will love us, who will support us no matter our failures, who will give us the emotional support that we need. It seems almost illogical that the love of a single person, or small group of people, is enough to help us withstand all the hardships of life. But that is because we have this innate longing to belong. Because we have this amae, we can find security in relationships with others.

In this process of loving and being loved, we are expressing our innate qualities as children of God. Because our needs truly are great. And a loving God gave us a way to fulfill those needs through our amae and our relationships with others.

So even though this is somewhat in contradiction of the culture in which I was raised, I’m incredibly grateful that I have amae. I’m grateful that I am vulnerable and needy.  I am grateful that I so desperately need to be loved. Because that allows me to have meaningful relationships. Because then I can find security in these relationships. Because then I can love others and help fulfill their amae.